My name is Tegan. [pronounced tee-ghen.] So please keep that in mind.

♥

I am the ORIGINAL Blonde Chaos. Have been for 8 years. Created the name, created the person. Fucking google me. Do NOT steal my identity in any way.

My status speaks the truth.

I am Engaged. I am In Love. I am HAPPY.

I do not do secret admirer crap. I do not do blind date. I do not flirt. I do not ‘check out’ other men. If I say you are cute, that means baby cute. Not ‘I want to tap that’ cute. Only my fiancé gets that kind of ‘cute’. So don’t bother hitting on me, sending me a secret admire, or putting me up on blind date. I will ignore you or call you a douche.

Every single picture uploaded, is my own. Either taken by me, or of me. I do not bother with fake pictures, as I do not need them. I put a lot of work into my pictures. So please do not call them fake. If some appear quite small, that is because there was a short period of time, earlier this year, where I used my phone to take photos as my camera would not work. And when my phone runs out of room, the pictures get cut down in quality and size, until they are as small as a thumbnail. If you have a problem with my photos, please let me know. But do not call me a fake. I put in a lot of time and effort writing my profile, making proof videos, and taking photos. You calling me a fake, is just showing I have talent. Sorry that I cant say the same for you.

I am rarely ever in a good mood. If I am in a bad mood, I will not pretend to like you. I will get straight to the point of telling you to piss off. No one gets a free pass unless they are my partner.

Important information: I AM NOT GOD DAMN GOTH. -_-

I have been told by countless people that I scare them, and that they are afraid to try to talk to me. I assure you I am not a scary person. I am quite the opposite. I just come across as scary from my profile, as I need to show that side to people to protect myself. But that does not mean I will definitely reply to you, or be nice. I rarely reply, unless it is important, or a really good message, and I never reply or talk while in a bad mood. But don’t be afraid to talk to me. Unless you have something utterly pathetic and useless to say ..

I am very big on revenge. I will take revenge out on anyone who severly hurts me. Usaully on an ex or a person I date who screws me over.

I cant dance. I am the ‘two left feet’ kind. So please don’t ever make me dance ..

I am NOT online 24 fucking 7. And I find it quite creepy and irritating everytime someone mentions to me how often I am online, as they seem to notice every little move I make .. This is what I like to call an ‘online stalker’. You creeps can stay the fuck away from me or I will have your creepy pedo ass reported.

Don’t bother telling me I have anger issues or that I need to get my depression checked out by a professional. Already doing that monthly thankyou very much. Im not that god damn stupid .. I wouldn’t leave it be to just get worse. But you fucking assholes MAKE it worse, even though I am seeing people about getting it better. Don’t fucking bother telling me to get my attitude sorted out, when you’re the pricks who makes me this way. Making me angry then TELLING me to block and delete you, makes you no hero. It will only give me the urge to want to seriously hurt you in a very very gruesome way with absolutely no survival chance. So back the fuck off, leave my god damn attitude be at ease, and stay the fuck away from me.

I am not interested in being your new best friend, or ‘go to’ person. I will give advice now and again, but I would really prefer not to have people coming to me about every little decision they have to make. Its your mind and your life. I have enough trouble helping MYSELF through life, and helping myself decide things, let alone having to help some random online stranger with theirs. You can ask me anything, just aslong as you don’t make it a regular thing.

Death is a big part of my life. I am close with death. I guess you could say we are acquaintances. It has come into my life on many occasions, and taken home with it, the people I love most. The most important one, was my Soul Mate and my Best Friend. They took them from me on February 9, 2009. Do not EVER tell me you understand what I have been through, or say that you have been through the exact same experience. If you ever say that to me, I swear I will cut your stomach open and pull everything out until you just have one gaping clean hole. And don’t ever tell me you know so much about death and are friends with it when you have only been a little suicidal. You only know death if they have come into your life on countless occasions, and if you have met with them face to face but somehow come back to life. A suicidal teeny bopper knows nothing about death and should go back to their Britney Spears collection. The only people I know who have actually met with death, is myself and my partner. He has had a much closer experience than me, but my own was much different. Nothing can ever compare to these experiences. So don’t try. Or I swear I will smack you with the very large frying pan I keep in my cupboard.

The truth about me, is that some days I wish I had a fatal disease. Some days I wish I could be hit by the car coming towards me as I cross the street. Some days I wish I could be in the middle of an attack, and be murdered. Some days I just wish it would all end. I wish for this pain to be over. I wish to be back with the people I care for most. I wish to be happy again.
But some days, I wake up with a smile on my face. Some days I go the entire day, feeling good about myself. Some days, I let love take over. And its great. Some days I continue to plan the wonderful life I have ahead of me. And some days, I am truly happy to be alive.

I am not a strong person. I never really have been. I am one of the most emotional and sensitive people I know of. I get hurt by the slightest little thing. And it will stick with me for life. I give up easily. I have only survived this long, as I find the smallest bit of hope, and hold onto it. I do not believe that makes me strong. But I do stand on my own. People don’t believe I do, but if they look back over my life, they will notice I have never been held up by anyone. I have lived through all pain, on my own. I have been the one to pick myself up when I have fallen. No one else. I have never been lucky enough to have somewhere there to pick me up. I have been alone my whole life. Been there for myself to pick up the pieces. To tell myself its ok. To tell myself that one day, it will be my turn for happiness. I just have to wait. I still do not believe that makes me strong. Just independent.

Dance music is the only style I can listen to, no matter what mood I am in. It is the style that puts me to sleep. It is the style that makes me smile. It is the style that dries my tears. It is the style that calms down my anger. Every other genre, does the opposite to this.

I hate nearly everything about my image. No matter how many compliments I get on a daily basis that make me ‘awe’, they never improve my confidence or change my mind. No one has ever succeeded in making me believe I am beautiful. I see every single flaw. And I know when someone is hiding the truth about what they think of me. I can read people quite easily. You cant hide it from me. So don’t bother trying to flatter me unless you mean it.

I don’t bother saying ‘I love hate mail’, as I do not. No one would be so stupid as to actually want hate mail and nasty comments sent their way. They hurt. A lot. Every single one effects me. I am not going to lie. Because I see no point. Hate mail is pointless and pathetic. Why bother wasting your time writing rude comments to someone you completely hate, just to watch them crumble. You have got to be the most low and immature prick to do that. Give it up. You are no ‘hero’ for hurting another person.

If you don’t want to read my entire profile as it is ‘too long’, don’t bitch to me about it ! I am forcing no one into reading everything I have written. It would be lovely for someone to read it all of course, but I never expect everyone to read it. I understand that it is a lot. But please refrain from messaging me about how you couldn’t be bothered reading my profile. I don’t give a shit. That’s your problem. Not mine.

I am deadly afraid of ghosts and aliens.

I do not have a specific style or ‘clique’ as my dress sense changes every single day. One day I will look like Barbie. Next day I will look like I want to slit my wrist. Next day I will look like I want to hug tree’s. Next day I will look like I surf 24/7. And next day, I will look like a complete boho chick. So do not bother labeling me. You will just make yourself look like an uneducated retard the next day when my style completely changes.

I don’t have very good focus. And I get as distracted as a dog chasing a ball. I hardly ever speak on IM as I do not like instant messengers. They are too fast paced and irritating if I am busy. I only go on them to talk to certain people. You can try to talk, but I most likely wont answer. If I don’t, message me. But please make it more than ‘wassup’ .. You children piss me off when you say that. Or ‘feel free to drop me a line’, just makes me think you want to go fishing .. Please use proper English and speech. Then I MAY answer. May …

If you are not a believer of Love or Soul Mates, fuck off. Now. I will seriously kill you if you try to speak to me yet don’t believe in either of these. Love exists for ALL. If you don’t believe in it, you are just a dumbass kid who has been hurt and thinks it’s the end of the world so decides to pretend there is no love in the world, just because they cant get a partner. So do yourself a favor, and cheer the fuck up. Love is everywhere. You just need to be patient.

On my profile, I seem to be a complete un-approachable bitch who speaks every bit of truth no matter how hurtful it can be. That is not who I am. I will be un-approachable if you try to speak to me yet don’t give a shit about my profile or the rules I have written far below. I am not always so truthful. And I am not ‘wild’ and outgoing. I am actually incredibly shy, and a very very sweet and caring person. I just have social issues. And somehow have a thing with people seeing the outgoing and truthful side of me before seeing the rest. Because if anyone can get passed all this, and still want to get to know me, then they are worthy of my communication. If not, I would fantasize about stabbing them as I continue to ignore every message they send me.

You will soon notice if you continue reading, a small part of my profile dedicated to a man called Gennadi [or Gee]. This is because Gee is my soul mate and was my partner. He passed away February this year. And no I do not wish to talk about it. You do not need to know anything more about him, than what is on my profile. So do not ask me.

I have no answer for my actions, my thoughts, or my feelings. It is just how I am.
Grief and pain will never stop for me. But it will slow down. Because I have a wonderful life planned with the man of my dreams. And I know he will make me happy. He already does.
Love is all that matters in this world. It is all we should ever have to live for. It is all we were made for. And it is all that will keep us alive.
I found my love. Where’s your’s ?



Before reading any futher, you must know that I am TAKEN by this man:

The most wonderful man. His name is Mike.
Life has been planned. Eternity has been planned. The end of our love, that will never come. This man has made me feel an emotion that I had never known. He has opened my eyes to a side of love that I never knew existed. He made me feel something, that I cannot describe. Something that I could never put into words. Something that no one has ever made me feel. Only I have been able to bring upon this feeling. No one could ever reach deep enough inside my heart and my mind, to bring out this emotion. Never in my life have I felt this way .. Being with Mike, makes me happy to be alive. I am finally happy to be here. For me to be happy in general, is a miracle in itself. But for me to be happy to be alive, that is something that I have never experienced .. I have finally seen everything that life has to offer. And in the end, it is all worth it. To be given the chance to live a happy life with a man this incredible, is more than an honor .. This kind of happiness, is the absolute definition of love. It is what we strive for. What keeps us living, day by day. No matter what struggle there may be. This is the happiness we search our entire lives for .. Some give up. But why ? When this kind of love could be knocking right at your door, and you just don’t know it. Why not open your eyes ? Why not reach out your hand ? Why hold back ?
I can finally let go. I can finally let my past be. I can finally begin to move on. I can finally be happy again.
Life has only just begun for me. And it is incredible.
I love you Mike.

I shall call him Squishy, and he shall be mine. And he shall be my Squishy. <3

To get to know me, you will need to know the following thing's:
I am taken by a man called Mike. A man that I am deeply inlove with. A man who makes me happy. Who makes me smile when no one else can. A man who brightens up my day, just by telling me he loves me. I am taken. And I am in love. Please respect that. I am HIS.
Don’t flirt with me. And do not hit on me. I will bitch slap the crap out of you if you do.
I am a natural blonde. That is why my name is Blonde Chaos.
I TAKE ALL MY OWN PICTURES. And do all my own effects/make up.
I use an Olympus FE-170. I do not have a flashy digital SLR. And I am not a professional.
My mood changes rapidly. One minute i want to cuddle you, next minute i want to watch you bleed and i want to be the one to make you bleed.
I have been told that i am the sweetest and most caring person. But every girl has been told that. Truth is, i am a psycho hidden underneath innocent clothing.
I have an odd fascination with blood. I want to become a Haematologist.
I watch autopsy and anatomy shows for fun. I enjoy watching people being cut open and taken apart. It excites me.
I read quite alot. But i only ever read crime thriller books. Although they have to be the real gory kind. If people arnt being decapitated, then i dont want to know about it.
I hate women. We are a pathetic gender. The only friends of the female gender that I have, are in my group. I rarely get along with any others. Most of the time I will fake giving a shit about you. I am a guys girl. I AM straight. If you cant deal with that, then I honestly do not give a shit. That’s just how I live.
I have a horrific temper. Don’t piss me off. If my status says to not talk to me, I mean it. Don’t think you can get a free pass. Only one person can. So again, do not piss me off.
I am NOT flawless. I have freckles all over my body. Including my face. I hide them with photoshop. I have pretty crappy skin. I cover it up with photoshop. I do not in the SLIGHTEST have perfect or good teeth. I need braces. I have hardly ever been to the dentist. I just know what angles to take photos at, to make them look good. I am quite small chested. I just know the right types of bra’s and padding to wear to make them appear bigger. My eyes are the only natural thing about me. So don’t call me flawless unless you know the real me and still think I am beautiful and flawless. I consider it an insult otherwise.
I will always put Dragonflies before humans. If you were in a burning building with a Dragonfly, and I had to choose who to save, I would build them a fucking house aswell as saving them. I would say goodbye to your sorry ass. Dragonflies ALWAYS come first.
If i ever sleep in the same bed with you and get naked, i am not trying to seduce you. I just enjoy sleeping without clothes.
I hate action movies. The “we will hijack your car and bomb your house only 5 minutes into the movie, while you spend the rest of the time chasing us around the world” type of movie.
I cant cook for shit .. I burn everything. Even if I am given clear instructions. I burn the outside, while the inside is still frozen ..
Im not that much of a bitch. I am known to be one of the sweetest people a person could meet. I live to care for others, no matter how hurt I get in the process. I never put myself first. Ever. I am depressed for a reason. And it isn’t just because of the loss I have experienced. It is because I have pushed myself so far down, just to help other people instead. But I don’t mind. Its what I do.
I only have the rules, and how they are written, to protect myself for a change. It is the only way to get the point across to people.
I do swear a lot. So get used to it.


Rules to talking to me:
DO NOT take my pictures, and DO NOT copy my ideas. They are original Blonde Chaos material. Get your own.
NEVER tell me you understand, or even slightly understand the way I think, feel, or what I have been through.
If you don’t like the way I talk, or something on my profile, just don’t read it. There is no point psyching out at me for it. It is my profile and my personality. I wont change it to suit your needs.
Do not bother telling me you are here if I need someone to talk to. I don’t need your help. I have managed to live this long on my own. One more comment or message online is not going to change anything.
I hate sympathy. Don’t bother telling me you sympathize on any level with my life.
Do not call me sexy, or say I am ‘looking good’. It creeps me out and writes you off my list of decent human beings.
Please do not ask me what it is like in Australia. I think that is what google is for. But I will tell you that we do ride kangaroos to school and walk through the desert [aka our backyard] to find our pet Koalas who have stolen our beer.
No not really … No I do not have kangaroos or koalas in my area. And no I do not live in the desert. I live in Suburbia with possums and bush turkeys who like to wander through our schools and houses .. I had a friend possum once. His name was Barry. But I think he only liked me because half the time I would walk outside in nothing but a robe …
Don’t fucking bother sending me a message with no title, and the message only saying “wats up”. I will smack you sideways if you even try pulling that shit on me and expecting a reply. I only reply to a decent freaking message. That means a message that includes atleast a sentence. Now that isn’t too hard. Suck it up. If you are that desperate to talk to me, im sure you can handle that.
Do not lie about your age to me. That is just pathetic. I am not stupid. I will be able to tell you are either dramatically younger, or older.
If you are over the age of 25, do not even bother talking to me unless it is something intelligent. I will block and delete you if you ever even think of hitting on me. If you are under the age of 16, don’t bother hiding your age to me. Makes me think you are far too immature to have a decent conversation with. And do not hit on me. You kids should still be in diapers.
Don’t kiss my ass by telling me you agree with everything I write on here and that anyone would be an idiot to do the opposite to what I write. And I don’t mean that is in ‘go against everything on my profile’, im talking about the people who are like sheep. They follow your every word. Even if they hate something, they will hide it and agree with what you like, just so they can get on your good side.
I am honest. I do enjoy movies such as Twilight. I don’t give a shit if they sparkle. I wouldn’t give a shit if they actually shat out of their mouth. It’s a good movie. So don’t bother crying to me about how crap it is, then changing your mind as soon as I tell you I enjoy it. That would just make me call you a dickhead and delete you once again.
No I will not sleep with you. That would involve loving you. Which you most likely have a very slim chance of.
DO NOT tell me I am young, and that I will find another soul mate. You are an asshole. Get fucked.
DO NOT try to stop me talking about, or simply ending my life. An internet friend will not stop me from doing this. It will just make me block you after calling you a prick.
Don’t think you have a chance at being my ‘new soul mate’. I already have two of those. Not a single person will come even close to becoming a third.
If I don’t reply to you, don’t get all whingy and tell me im a bitch and that you are deleting me.
And if you continue for hours on end to try to talk to me without receiving a single reply, don’t fucking bother. That will just make me call YOU a bitch and then delete you.
Don’t send me a message telling me you are inlove with me. No you are not. Especially if I have never spoken to you in my life. I will not believe a word you say, and you do not have a chance in hell at calling yourself my partner. There are only two people in this world who have a chance at calling themselves that.


Random facts about Tegan:
I weigh 35 kilos. Which is 77 Lbs. This is my natural weight. I don’t encourage it. Anyone that knows me, knows I eat like a bitch and am constantly hungry. I try my hardest to put ON weight. Not take it off. I hate being thin. A fast metabolism runs in my family, but I seem to have gotten the worst of it. I have never in my life weighed more than 45 kilos.
I have a psychologist that I see every couple of weeks, and a regular doctor who I see weekly. So I don’t need other people to tell my problems to. That is what they are both being payed for.
I eat quite a lot of toast. But I hate when the butter melts. I wait til the toast is cold then put the butter on.
I always feel sick. And most foods give me a shocking stomach ache. But I still eat them because im hungry.
I never finish a meal. Even if I am still starving.
I hate coffee. But I drink tea daily.
I cant stand vegetables. I am a big meat eater. Cant live without the stuff. Literally.
Red Powerade is the ONLY one I drink. I call it my religion. I am known for it.
I am a guys girl. I dislike women. I only get along with the girls in my group. I don’t give a crap about any others.
If my group has a girls and a guys night, I want to go to the guys night. I much prefer to sit and talk about Dragonball Z and play video games all night, rather than doing facials and watching romance movies. I do that stuff on my own. Don’t need to get all chummy with other whingy girls just to do what I would have at home on my own.
I am a born Mother. It runs in my family. From birth, we already have it in us to want to be a mother and have the power to raise one, no matter what age we are. Both my mother and I, have been ready since we were 8 years old.
I never break my promises. That is one thing everyone knows about me. Which is why I don’t make promises unless I deeply care about you.
The only promise I HAVE broken, was to follow Gee to the death. But that day will come .. It isn’t completely broken yet.
I HATE the cold. Because I am so thin, I feel every bit of it, much more than others. So I freeze, even if people say it’s a hot day. I miss my past. And I hate my future. Even though I don’t know what will happen, I just know I will hate it because it wont be like my past.
I am EXTREMELY self conscious. I take 100+ photos each shoot. Meaning I take the exact same type of photos, until I find just one that looks half decent. But then I will hate it once I put it up.
I think too much. And I always think the worst. My toe was numb today. So I thought my leg had to be cut off because the nerves were dying.
I never move on from the people I was once partners with and inlove with. They may be ex’s, but I will never move on. So it is quite hard to actually have a decent relationship with me.
I have stomach problems that no doctor can work out. No doctor or specialist can find what is wrong. They may have to cut me open to check it out.
I am always tired.
I cant sleep when it is dark unless I knock myself out with pills.
I have always wanted an asian kid. [not racist] I absolutely adore them. They are the most adorable children.
I hate lust. Plain and simple.
And I whinge a lot.


More random crap:
I am not the cold hearted bitch that I come across as from reading all of the above. This is just my way of protecting myself from the hurtful things people can say on this site. When I don’t talk, that means I am in an angry or upset mood, and when that happens, I keep to myself and go silent so I can sort things out myself. So don’t be mad or upset if I don’t reply. Just leave me be and try again later on sometime.
I really dislike kids who call themselves ‘myyearbook celebs’ or ‘myyearbook famous’. It’s a fricken website. Grow the hell up and pull your head out of your ass. You are not royalty. No matter what your rank is.
Stop saying you love haters or hate mail. No one has an ego that fucking big. It is pathetic. I am a strong person, yet ‘hate mail’ absolutely crushes me. It is hurtful stuff. There is nothing funny or amusing about it. Stop pretending its all good. You are a dumbass.



For the dickheads who dont think my profile is good enough, so continuously ask me what my hobbies are and what my favourite music is:
I like everything but country and jazz.
My favourite genres are Hardcore, Hip Hop, and Classical.
And no i dont give a shit that they are the complete opposite. They are my ears. You have your own. You listen to what you please, and ill listen to what I please.
Want to know what i do in my daily life ? I go to bed at 5 am. I wake up at 9 am. I get up. I go for my morning pee as i have a shocking bladder. I then go on the computer. And i stay there all day. Unless i feel like eating or need to pee again, or like usaul, some random animal comes walking through my house ..
I do not really have any hobbies. I dont do anything. I hate sport. But i do adore WATCHING extreme sports, and PLAYING tennis. But thats it. So dont bother talking about sports to me. I will just yawn and walk away from the screen.
I make the time go by quicker, by watching countless shows and movies. Usaully online.
I do adore photography. That is probably my only hobby .. But most kids do that these days.
I rarely see friends. I prefer to keep to myself. If i see anyone, it is a rare visit to my house one random night, lunch at my best friends house, random gigs that we get free tickets to, and the rare amount of parties my group attends.
So, happy now ? Now can i get back to what my life is ACTUALLY about ?? Thankyou.




You may not know me.
You may not understand me.
You may underestimate me.
But i know who i am. I know what my purpose in life is. I know why i am here. And i know why i live the life i do, after the pain and loss i have experienced.

I was sixteen, the day i met my soul mate.
We found each other because of fate.
Your soul mate does not appear if you search for them.
Fate will bring you together. No matter how bumpy the road is to get to that meeting. It will happen.
I lost him.
Yet i continue to live.
I have not broken. I rarely cry. I do not feel as much pain as you would expect i would.
Because his soul has replaced the part of mine that i lost when he died.
He stops me feeling the pain of this loss, because he is still with me.
He will always be with me.

I do not get to choose the life i live.
I do not get to put an end to the pain and loss.
This is my life. This is what i live. This is how i live.
I am strong. Stronger than many would ever have imagined i could be.
I survive by holding onto love.
My life was created, by love. My life continues to exist, because of love.
I have loved and lost more than anyone i have met.
But i still live, for the love i have left.

I have not moved on from Gennadi.
The day will come where i will.
But that time is not just yet.

GENNADI OREL.

I miss you.

You were the only one who understood me.
You were my best friend.
I love you so much, I miss you so much.
You saved me, and you fixed me.
Im sorry i could never save you.
I wish you were still here.
The word 'love' was never enough to describe our relationship.
But that word will always belong to you.
Why did you have to go ?
Our lives had only just begun.
I cant live mine without you.
I need you to breath.
I cant do this without you.
You will always remain in much more than my heart.
I love you so much and i miss you more than i could ever have imagined possible.
I will never say goodbye.
But i will say REST IN PEACE.

We were never able to stay apart.
We would try. My god we would try ..
But we couldn't resist each other.
We couldn't breath without sharing the same air.
Now that your gone, i can no longer breath.
I am lost. I am scared. And i miss you more than words could ever say.
Why did you have to go ? We made a promise to do this together.
You were suppose to wait for me.
Now im alone and living in a world without you.
A world i no longer know.
If death is the only way to be with you again, then so be it.
I miss you so much Gee. I love you darling. I hope you will always be with me. I know ill always be with you.

The creation of life was a dream of our's.
It was the one thing we wanted. The one experience we craved to share so much.
A family of our own. A family together.
We would name our little girl Ariel.
We would marry in Mount Penang Gardens, as you knew of all the dragonflies that flew there.
We would have a life together. A heart together.
We were one baby.
I may have lost you physically, but i will never lose your soul.
The part of me that disappeared when i lost you, has been replaced with yourself.
We are one.
Until the day i die, i will continue your life for you.
We will be together again. One day.









Gennadi Orel is my best friend. He is the love of my life. He is part of my soul. Part of my heart. Part of my mind.
He is my guardian angel. He is my savior. He is my Romeo.
Life changed for me the day I lost him. I cannot say it changed for the worst, but I cannot say it changed for the better. But something inside me broke that day .. It disappeared. Vanished. I am not quite sure what it was. Maybe it was my heart breaking. Or maybe it was my soul being torn apart. Whatever it was, Gennadi has replaced it. He has entered my body, my heart, and my soul. And he is here to stay. We are one. We always have been, and always will be One.
We are the creation of love.

Michael Wallace:

You have created a life for me, that I am happy with. You created a safe place in this world for me, where I am comfortable. You have made me smile. You have made me laugh. You have made me happy. You are everything I have ever wanted in a man. You are more than perfection Mike. You are the definition of brilliance. Love. Integrity.
You are the man of my dreams.
You make me feel important. You make me feel like a human being. My entire life, I have been shut off from the world. But you have opened the door for me. The door to a life worth living. A life of happiness, and love.
I have hopes and dreams again. I never thought the day would come where I would hope again .. I had lost all hope. All trust. All peace in my life. There was nothing but chaos. And that was destroying me. I had nothing left to live for. I was giving up.
But you make me happy Mike. Life is worth living again. Aslong as I live it with you.
To be able to live this life together, is the biggest struggle. We work hard at this. And it could put us on edge. But it is all worth it. Just to be together and live this life that we have been planning, it is worth any pain and struggle.
I dream of the day we will be together, living this happy life we hope for. It puts a smile on my face to last a life time ..
I love you more than you will ever know Mike. I trust you more than you believe. And you make me happier than you could ever imagine.
I will always be your’s.





I have been hurt and used. I have lost my partner in life before i had even turned eighteen. I have tried to overdose. I have tried to drown myself. I have made over 100 cuts on the top of my leg alone. I have suffered depression most of my life. But have gotten worse over the past two years. Yet i still live my life every day with my head held high.
I struggle, but i carry on. I live for the people around me. I live to make others happy. My purpose in life is to put the smile on their face, no matter how hurt i get in the process.
I have been abused. I have been used for sexual purposes. I have been put down for sheer enjoyment. I have had nearly everyone i had met, including doctors, try to force me to admit to having an eating disorder, even though i eat more than someone who weighs 30 kilos more than me. I have been called a slut for my artistic abilities and told that i am worth nothing but to be used for someones sexual happiness.
I still live. I still breath. I still smile. I may not be happy, but i am on the road to recovery. I have the man of my dreams by my side the entire way. The man who will father my child. I have the soul of Gennadi pushing me not to give up. Not to get hurt or put down. Only to strive for more. To strive for greatness. To strive for love.
I have all i need. I am on the road to a great recovery.


I have come face to face with death. I have held its hand. I have whispered in its ear. I have shed a tear upon it. But I have never given myself to it. And I never will.
I have lost many people close to me throughout my childhood. But I lost my rock, my hero, my idol, my Grandfather, at the age of 15. That is what changed my life the most. More than anything. I lost a friend to heart failure at the age of 15. I lost a friend to Meningococcal at the age of 16. I lost an aunt that helped raise me, at the age of 15. I held my Grandmothers hand as she stopped breathing, on July 28, 2008. Then I lost Gennadi. My best friend. My soul mate. The love of my life, on February 9, 2009.
This are just a very small amount of the people I have lost throughout my life. But I keep on living. I survive. I do not call myself strong. I call myself inspired. I call myself loved. I do not call this the end of the world. I call it the beginning.



I am a confusing, but honest person. I do not open up easily, but at the same time i am very open. I am very shy, but to some people i can be incredibly outgoing within the first conversation. To some, i am that innocent child only seeking love out of life. But to others, i am that dark creature lurking around at night, searching for pain as it the only way to feel anymore.
I have lost everything important in my life. But i am still living and breathing. I struggle everyday. I am on the edge of life and can slip at any moment. But i hold on for dear life. I hold on to the small amount i do have left.
This pain and suffering has only made me stronger. And more noble.
I roam this earth with a perspective on life that no other has. I teach others with this gift. I give hope to others.
I am a normal human being. Just with a very different life.



When i listen to classical music, all I can picture is my soul mate. The one that passed away. That is why i continue to listen to it everyday. It connects me to another world. I feel untouchable when i listen to it. But at the same time i feel as though some unknown creature is tearing at my soul. I picture the unknown when I listen to it. I picture something that doesnt exist. Or, sometimes, i just see black. I see nothing. Just silence. Calm.


Losing your purpose in life gives you a perspective on everything, that no one else has.
It doesn’t make you different from everyone else, but it does make you experienced. Challenged. Intense.
It gives you a power unlike any other.
When you are on the edge of life, things change.
I don’t see life in a realistic way. I see life in an unknown way. A life that reality does not produce.

I do not take lightly to people who tell me they understand what I am going through, or the way I think, or even the way I look at life itself.
I see things unlike any other. I experience things unlike any other. I imagine things unlike any other.
I don’t look at life in a realistic way. If I did, I would have ended it a very long time ago. As I would not have been able to keep sane.



I can feel you. I can hear you.
We have become one.
Through life and death, we are one.
We are soul mates. We are the light at the end of the tunnel.
We are the shiver you feel running through you on a cold day.
We are the warmth the sun offers the world.
We are that slight breeze that comforts your skin.
We are the walking aid for the elderly.
We are love.
We are one.

You held me as I slept, so I wasnt afraid.
You made love to me each night to become one person.
We planned our wedding. We found the name for our child.
We met our future together.
We kept each other breathing, and standing.
We would never let the other fall.
We were in love.
We are in love.
We are one.



I am taken. I am happy. I am in control.
I do not flirt. I do not cheat. I am no slut. My body belongs to my partners only. I am taken by Mike. And will always remain that way. I have been hurt many times in the past. I have been used for sexual purposes that I am not proud of. I have lived more of a life than any 18 year old should ever have to live. But I am strong. And I carry on with a smile on my face and my head held high. I am not happy. But I am in control. I found my soul mate at the age of Sixteen. I wouldnt give up that part of my life for anything. I found myself and my purpose the day I met Gennadi. We forever more remained ONE. We always will remain ONE. I may have lost him physically, but I will never lose him soul. A part of me had been taken the day he passed away. But that part has been replaced with himself. With his soul. We share the same body and mind. We are ONE. I feel no pain or sadness towards this loss. He keeps me strong. Stops any pain from entering my heart. Even if that means I have to remain numb for the rest of my life, he will never let me feel this pain.


18/10/09 I found out I was living a lie. Everything I thought I knew, and thought was the truth, was a god damn lie. My soul mate, was never my true soul mate. My mother, lied to me about where my grandparents were. My father, doesn’t even think of me as a daughter anymore. My friends arnt even true to me. That day, I found out my current partner is my soul mate. And the man I am actually suppose to spend my life with. I never opened my eyes to see what that connection truly meant. The connection that I had never had with a single person in my entire life, including Gennadi. I had wondered why Gee and I never had that kind of happiness or relationship. It was all a lie .. But why ? We never forced ourselves to believe it. It was just how it was. We didn’t have the best relationship. But we were connected by a very strong spirit. What does this mean ? If we are not soul mates, then what are we ? I am hurt. But I am also happy. Hurt to know I have been living a lie for the past couple of years, and telling countless people the story of how I lost my soul mate, but happy to know that I am marrying the man I am suppose to. And that I wont be left with just a random choice of man, who im not actually suppose to be with. Mike was always the one. Why could I never see this .. I don’t know if I could ever truly accept that. For so long I have believed one thing. And it was the most important part of my life. I cant just let it go and pretend it never happened. Especially when the man I thought was the one, is no longer here. I don’t know what to do anymore ..








Fact: if i add you personally, it means i find you attractive or like your style.
I can be quite shy so dont whinge if i add you and dont talk. Just say hi.
Or atleast add a little more enthusiasm to a message ..



Turn up your speakers.




♥

Rated M15+. May contain course language.

Wisdom begins in wonder:
Fact: I found my soul mate. But i lost him on February 9, 2009.
Fact: The fact that my soul mate died, does not mean i cannot call my partner, the love of my life.
Fact: I believe so strongly in love, that people cant stand me.
Fact: I have paranoia, anxiety, and depression issues that no 17 year old should ever have.
Fact: Piano music makes me cry.
Fact: I want a child at 17.
Fact: I cant resist good chinese food.
Fact: I sometimes have urges to kill.
Fact: I am not happy.
Fact: I still slightly believe in Santa Clause.
Fact: I sleep with multiple teddy bear's.
Fact: Im afraid to live alone.
Fact: I hate being thanked for something i am forced to do.
Fact: Im cooler than your mum.

My babies.♥

Anyone can own your heart, but there is only one person who can own your soul.

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