I’M ALL WOMEN. BUT LOVE TO GET DIRTY WITH THE BOYS. ANYTHING A GUY CAN DO I BET I CAN DO BETTER, WELL NOT MAKE A BABY OR WRITE IN SNOW PEEING. THINGS I LOVE: THE SMELL OF BABIES, PUPPIES, FRASH CUT GRASS, RAIN, PIES COOKING AT THANKSGIVING, A GUY JUST GETTING OFF WORK, THE MAN I LOVE, SEX, CANDY .LOUD MUSIC, FAST CAR, FISHING IN THE DARK, THE LAKE, BOATING, NUDE SNOW ANGLES, CATCHING CAT FISH THEN COOKING ON AN OPEN FIRE & EATING IT. WILD SEX I GET OFF ON THE SOUNDS OF JETS, BAD BOYS, TATS & PIRECINGS, A GUY THAT CAN LAUGH WITH ME, WIFE BEATER & TIGHT FADED BLUE JEANS, LONG HAIR, GOING FAST, SEX IN FRON OF A FIRE OR ON A HOOD OF A CAR I LOVE DIRT BIKE, RAILS, JET SKIS TANNING ON THE BOAT, I LOVE TO SING IN THE CAR, LONG WALKS, SEX UNDER A WATER FALL, SUMMER LOVE, FIRST KISS’S NEW LOVE, SNOW AFTER DARK, LOOKING AT CHRISMAS LIGHTS, HOT BATHS WITH CANDLES BURING, FOUR PLAY, STOCKINGS & GAURDER, LONG NECKS, TOYS, WAEM SUMMER DAYS, LONG WINTER NIGHTS, MAKING LOVE ALL NIGHT,
There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year!
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity
Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason..
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in
the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a virgin continues.
However, there was no problem with finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Penny Riddle
Try to answer each riddle before you look at the answer.
Do you smell anything here?
It's a s-cent ....
Do you see any fruit here?
It's a pear ....pair....pear...
Do you see any snakes here?
It's three copperheads......
Do you see any cars here?
It' s four Lincolns....
Do you see any sex here?
Hell no! What do you expect for five cents???
Never Piss Off A Texas Woman!â
A West Texas Cowboy's wife came home just in time to find
her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting calves ,
she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and
into the tool shed behind the barn.
She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it
tightly and removed the handle so he couldn't get it loose.
Next she walked to the other side of the shed, picked up an
old carpenter's saw and started walking back toward him.
The banged up Cowboy was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop!
Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty damn saw,are you?'
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in
her husband's hand and said, 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old
shed on fire, and go to town for a cold beer.'
'You do whatever you want.'
A smile is a sign of joy.
A hug is a sign of love.
A laugh is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me???
Shit, that's just a sign of good taste!!
Why Am I Married ????
You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Girlie Wisdom....
1. Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
2. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.
3. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
5. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
6. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
7. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
8. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
10. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers.
11. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
12. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ......Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
13. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
14. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
Pa Sleeps Naked.....
'Late again,' the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
'It ain't my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy. The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!'
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
'You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shot gun and said to Ma, 'That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!''
'Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!
'He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.
'As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking' up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy's crack!'
'Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin.'
Have a great eveing...and remember.....I 'R' YOUR Biggest....
This is how I heard YOUR day was going...
First you had trouble getting out of bed....
Then when You did You had a stiff neck....
Then You washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it.....
Your new diet really doesn't seem to be working out.....
Then You pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise.....
Your new hat looked better on you at the store.....
Then You kept losing things....
Then The boss chewed you out at work.....
Then You got caught in the rain at lunchtime.....
Then the lunch you had didn't seem to agree with you....
Then You felt trapped.....
Then Uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime.....
And then On top of that you think you're coming down with the flu.....
And finally, you're alone in the house at night when you think you hear a noise in the basement.....
MAYBE TOMORROW WILL BE BETTER!!
Thought for the Day!!!!!!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it, Just pee on it and walk away......
The Bailout Mascot .....
The Storm.....
They were together in the House.
Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and
each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.
She looked across the room and admired his strong
appearance...and wished that he would take her in his
arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.
Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.
The storm raged on...
They knew it was wrong...
Their families would never understand... So consumed were
they in their FEAR that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera......
Now that you have smiled today, won't you please help someone else to 'Smile' tooooo?
UNDERWEAR DUST.....
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'Claire', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!
COUNSELING - SOUTHERN STYLE .....
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and
drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, 'I think I'm gonna
divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'
Earl spits... sips his beer... and says, 'Better think it over.....
women like that are hard to find....
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people
Having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, and to alleviate further confusion, the following....Definitions.... are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
Met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
Of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the nerve to say: 'You're next Chubby'.
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
Speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in Death.....
Especially For My 'Gal Pals'.....I Love ya....
Someone will always be prettier.
Someone will always be smarter..
Some of their houses will be bigger.
Some will drive a better car.
Their children will do better in school.
And their husband will fix more things around the house.
So let it go, and love you and your circumstances
Think about it!
The prettiest woman in the world can not be nice in her heart.
The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.
The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~ might be lonely.
And the word says, 'If I have not Love, I am nothing.' So, again, love you.
Love who you are.
Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,
'I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!'
'Winners make things happen.....Losers let things happen.'
Be 'Blessed' Ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.
'To the world you might be one person, to me you are 'SPECIAL'
SEND THIS TO YOUR FAVORITE WOMEN ~ I JUST DID!
I've BEEN ARRESTED!
Don't bother posting bail...
I think I'll just do my time!!!!!!!!!
I'll be in touch with ya when I get out......
I would love to be in some of these places they stage these things....Toooo Koooool....
I am proud to be an American.....And Thankful for all the 'Awesome Friends' that I have here.....
Ohhhhhh So True......And toooo Cute Had To Include it.....
For All Of You Who Have Found 'Your Last Love'......Consider Yourself Truly Blessed.....
I Don't Recall Ever Seeing This During The SuperBowl Commercials....But I Am
Sure It Had To Be In Their Top Ten......
Ok.... BE HONEST...how many of you REALLY ENJOY getting little angel love notes from every person in your friends list? You know the ones with "I love you so... here's an angel" ... and some mushy poem crap.....
And like the cute wasn't bad enough, they then THREATEN you with bad luck if you don't send it on to others!!
So here's my version:
Take the fairy dust:
Add it to one of those angels ....
And POOF!!!!....
He's good luck because he probably made you smile.
When you're finished trying to see up his loincloth,
AND YOU JUST LOOKED AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU??
This One's for the girls :
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
Please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
As for my belly, Please take it away.
Keep me healthy, Keep me young,
And thank you Lord, For all you've done.
Just a little Risque'..........
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife..
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the medicine man and wondered what would happen next.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. 'When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'
I was encouraged. As I walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?' 'Your partner must say
'1-2-3-4,' he responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will
not work again until the next full moon.'
I was very eager to see if it worked so I went
home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine,
and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When
she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'
Immediately, I was the manliest of men. My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition!
...ONE COULD END UP WITH A DANGLING PARTICIPLE!!
Today is National 'HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE HOT' Day!
Send this to someone gorgeous, but don't send it back to me, I've been getting this message all freakin' day!!!
A man went to the hospital in Gympie
Queensland, to have his wedding
Ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the
operation, the patient's girlfriend
found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't
know he was married and she was
so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip
the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how
your wedding ring got on your penis... OR. ...
3. Finding out yourpenis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call.
You decide.
I wouldn't touch this one with a ten foot pole. LOL
Have a Gooden!!!!
Important health issue
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these
questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more
confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you
tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately
and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
Lustfulness
Loss of motor control
Loss of clothing
Loss of money
Loss of virginity
Table dancing
Headache
Dehydration
Dry mouth
A desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING:
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WHAT REAL MEN WILL BE WEARING ON THE BEACH.....
And You Thought Womens Swimwear was going to the dogs....Take a look at these...
Inspired by Sasha Baron Cohen this NEW line of swimwear will rock next summer!
The future of men's bathing suits... !!
Sarong for the dong.
peek-a-boo dickie doo.
Dingie dongie.
Spaghetti and meat balls ....
Wet Willie wonder .....
Sling ding.....
Hot pocket.....
And bringing up the rear....By Crackie.....
Sarah Palin's
Vogue magazine cover...
Awww... c'mon, it's ok .... the
'Democrats' have some lookers, too...
FREE KITTENS
My friend's cat had kittens, and she was able to give away all but 4 of them. I told her I would help her find homes for the last 4.
I can't take one because I am allergic to cats, but if you could take just one it would be such a help, and the kittens could
have a nice home. Or perhaps you know someone who would.
Since she lives way out by the Nuclear Power Plant, I'll go pick them up for you.
I've attached pictures of the last 4 kittens.
Can you help?
Tequila and Salt
This should probably be taped
to your bathroom mirror
where you could read it every day.
You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1.. There are at least two people in this world
that you would die for.
2... At least 15 people in this world
love you in some way.
3 The only reason anyone would ever hate you
is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone,
even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you
before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you
take another look.
11 Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget about the rude remarks.
So...........
And always remember....
when life hands you Lemons,
ask for Tequila and Salt and call me over!
Good friends are like stars........
You don't always see them,
But you know they are always there.
Whenever God Closes One Door He Always Opens Another.
I would rather have one rose and a kind word
from a friend while I'm here
than a whole truck load when I'm gone..
Happiness keeps You Sweet,
Trials keep You Strong,
Sorrows keep You Human,
Failures keeps You Humble,
Success keeps You Glowing,
But Only God keeps You Going
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree inCanada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' a term woodpeckers like to use. The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS
This one is priceless....A lesson to be learned from
typing the wrong email address!!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!
Johnny's Mother Looked out The window And noticed him 'playing church'With their cat.
He had the cat Sitting quietly And he was Preaching to it.She smiled And went About her work. A while later She heard loud Meowing and hissing And ran back to the open window To see Johnny Baptizing the cat In a tub of water.
She called out, 'Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!'
Johnny looked up At her and said, 'He should have thought About that Before he joined My church.'
Smiley at Walmart....
This is exactly why you should always twirl once in front of the mirror before ever leaving the house.
Sometimes I think Maxine should run for president. She was right on with this one!
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.
Think about this one:
The Constitution
The Ten Commandments
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Salt Not Steal,' 'Thou Salt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians..It creates a hostile work environment.
PART OF THE PROBLEM.....
Actually said in court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lay there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS; Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting' laid!
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORN EY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law....
There are actually 'Degree's of Blonde's'...
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?'
The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is overc ome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy . it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
IT MUST BE TRUE!!!!
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him
and never say its not quite as good as his mothers
..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour,
for as long and wherever you want ....
..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
..then adopt a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to
warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
..then adopt a dog !
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care
if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves
you unconditionally, perpetually ....
..then adopt a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair
all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence
is solely to ensure his happiness.....
..then adopt a cat!
Now be honest, you thought I was gonna say... marry a man, didn't YOU ??????
Hey YOU.....
Have A Great Evening......
Words for Women to Live By...
1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt.... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.
12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!
13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest..
14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.
15. By the time a woman realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
'Good friends are like stars..........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there' 'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'. Now smile
The Secret
The Secret
One day, one friend asked another,
'How is it that you are always so happy?
You have so much energy,
and you never seem to get down.'
With her eyes smiling, she said,
'I know the Secret!'
'What secret is that?'
To which she replied,
'I'll tell you all about it,
but you have to promise to
share the Secret with others.'
'The Secret is this:
I have learned there is little I can do
in my life that will make me truly happy.
I must depend on God to make
me happy and to meet my needs.
When a need arises in my life,
I have to trust God to supply
according to HIS riches.
I have learned most of the time
I don't need half of what I think I do.
He has never let me down.
Since I learned that 'Secret', I am happy.'
The questioner's first thought was,
'That's too simple!'
But upon reflecting over her own life
she recalled how she thought a bigger house
would make her happy, but it didn't!
She thought a better paying job
would make her happy, but it hadn't.
When did she realize her greatest happiness?
Sitting on the floor with her grandchildren,
playing games, eating pizza or reading a story,
a simple gift from God.
Now you know it too!
We can't depend on people to make us happy.
Only GOD in His infinite wisdom can do that.
Trust HIM!
And now I pass the Secret on to you!
So once you get it, what will you do?
YOU have to tell someone the Secret, too!
That GOD in His wisdom will take care of YOU!
But it's not really a secret...
We just have to believe it and do it...
Really trust God!
Do your best; let God do the rest.
Today I pray your troubles be less,
May your blessings be more,
and May nothing but happiness
come through your door!!
Amen
A Baseball Mystery For YOU.....
3 Ladies from Minnesota
A detective story
So Pay Close Attention!!!
Three ladies are
excited about seeing their
first baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of
into the ball park. The game is very exciting
and they enjoy themselves immensely...
mixing
Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.
Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the
game still has a lot of innings to go.
Based on the given
information, what inning is it and how many
players are on base?
Now think!
Think some more!!
You're gonna love this....
Answer:
It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...
'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . .
Wait for it. It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
Oh shut up, I Told You....It'd Make A Glass Eye Cry.....
And Now For One Of My Favorite Video's of All Time....I Still Laugh When I Sit And Watch It...
Yep, the heck with the ultra liberal old AARP (American Association for Retired People)..
I joined the new AARP. Attached is my new card:
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I ' m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand... I ' ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I ' ll be waiting.....
Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.....
Letter to My Bank
Dear Sirs,
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".
In view of current developments in the banking industry,
does that refer to me or to you?
Do Dogs go to Heaven? Hysterical! These two churches face each other across a busy street.
The Woodpecker Might have to go!
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!
HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL,
MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.
I'm only sending this to my 'old' friends.
God Bless little old ladies!
If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
Why Trampolines aren't Safe in Georgia.... This was in my backyard.....
Quick.....Name That Tune......
Ohhhhh...come on.....
Your Really Gonna Be Embarassed If You Miss This One......
I told Cha.....MOOOOOOn River.....
This Blonde Ran Over A Mattress On The Highway And Decided Not To Worry And Kept Driving.
The Ensuing Jumble Finally Whipped Around Underneath Her Car Enough to Tear A Hole In The Fuel Tank.
The Subsequent Lack Of Fuel Is What Finally Brought Her Vehicle To It's Knee's.
She Had Still Managed To Drive 30 More Miles With A 60 Pound Tangle of Stuff Wrapped Around Her Driveshaft..
She Had It Towed To Her Dealership And Complained That The Vehicle Had A " Sort Of Shimmy " When She Was Driving At High Speeds.
Below Are The Photo's Of What They Found At Her Dealership....................
The Last Photo Is By Far The Best.
"Sort Of A Shimmy" ..........I'll Bet It Did!
Is This Just The Best Or What.
They Still Can't Believe Their Eyes.
And Still Wondering How To Remove It.
And For All My Good Friends Who
Are Like Me And Suffer from CRS......A New Medicine Has Been Released
To Help Us Out....
The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! '
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips....He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion
builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf....'
The Man Rules !!!!!!!!!!
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
THE FIRST KISS
It's your First Kiss and several questions might come to mind:
Is it the right time?
Is anyone watching?
Does your partner even want to?
Is your breath fresh?
AND,---Should you use some tongue?
Then you say . . ..
'What the heck!' and Just Go for it!!!
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true...
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07. Things you buy now won't wear out.
08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
19. You can't remember who sent you this list.
And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
And remember, never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Statistics 'Just For Your Own Personal Information'......
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
And for your viewing pleasure.....take a look at these....
One day my
Housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he Stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the Washing machine?'
'It depends,' I Replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, '
OHIO STATE ! '
And they say...Blondes are dumb...
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
Neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
Q: What do you
Call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor.....
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.
Q: How do you Keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the Email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
Bet your hitting escape toooooo... alright already....maybe I get a little carried away when I come across Maxine jokes....But honestly...YOU Gotta Love Her.....
caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money..
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M an Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7... August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
I Actually Know Husbands Who Have Done Some Of These Things....and Worse...Probably One Reason I Am Still Single....
Look closely and see if you can figure out who this is.....
HAVE ANOTHER LOOK !!
STILL NOT SURE ....?
HAVE ANOTHER LOOK...!
AWWW COME ON AGAIN LOOK CLOSER..! !
Still don't know???...................
Neither do Iâ¦. But who gives a Toot !!!!!
Have a great day!
A RETIREE SEEKS ADVICE ON FISHING.....
Dear Dr. Phil,
When I retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime - bass fishing. I got my own little fishing boat and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing.
Finally, one day at the Bait and Tackle Shop, I got to talking to Sam the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies.
As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing. She not only refuses to join us she always complains that I spend too much time fishing.
A few weeks ago Sam and I had the best fishing trip ever.. Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, only a few minutes later Sam must have caught his twin brother! So I took a picture of Sam holding up the two nice bass that we caught and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.
Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing at all anymore! And she wants me to sell the boat! I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.
What would you do? Tell the wife to forget it and continue my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?
Thanks.
P.S.. Enclosed is a picture of Sam with the two bass we caught.
Dear Fisherman,
Get rid of that narrow minded wife - and by the way that's a nice pair of bass!
Sincerely,
Dr. Phil
Two old guys were chatting..... One said to the other:
'My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV.'
Other guy responded:
'Wow, that's amazing!!..... Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!'
First guy: 'Yup!!'
'Socks, Underwear and Viagra!'
Message of the Day
I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.
You hang in there, sunshine - you're friggin' special.
Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for,
but while we're here, we should dance.
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town..
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people
Who remarked it was a shame the old man
Was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right,
So they changed positions.
Then, later, they passed some people who remarked,
'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.'
So they then decided they'd both walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought
They were stupid to walk when they had a
Decent donkey to ride.
So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people
Who shamed them by saying how awful to
Put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man figured they were probably right,
So they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge,
They lost their grip on the animal
And he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story?
If you try to please everyone,
You might as well... Kiss your as* goodbye!
Have A Nice Day..... And .... Be Careful With Your Donkey.....
Gifts
Stickers 
Latest Blog
Groupies
Family
Videos
Owned!
Causes
Battles
Autographs
.gif)
.jpg)
.gif)
.gif)
