(512): remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
(630): you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
(215): Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
(605): Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
(706): Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
(419): Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
(708): We need to hang out more often
(903): My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
(317): and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
(613): I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
(817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
(1-817): You weighed it?
(757): DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
(703): I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
(650): So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
(617): I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
(856): would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
(414): and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
(206): There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
(630): Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
(551): She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
(619): Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
(701): Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
(914): i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
(732): I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
(662): They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
(978): I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?