I ain't touchin' it
An armless man in a long jacket walks into a bathroom and stands by a urinal...
Soon seeing he needs help to use the toilet he asks a closeby man, " Can you help me point my penis" ?
The man reluctantly accepted but, decided not to look at the mans penis. After a few seconds of holding it he thinks, " Hey! I'm grabbing it right"? " So I should look, I have a right"!
He looks down at the mans member and sees that is beyond hidious. Startled he jumps back and lets go, asking. " What the hell is wrong with it ?"
The "armless" man pulls his arms out of his jacket and says "I dunno, but, I ain't touchin' it." and walks away.
The Fire Truck
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.
"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
A geek's list of thanks
1. Be thankful you haven't been spammed!
2. Be thankful your computer isn't down!
3. Be thankful your favorite forum isn't down!
4. Be thankful you don't have The Good Times virus!
5. Be thankful your server isn't down!
6. Be thankful for a vast selection of Web sites to browse!
7. Be thankful no one knows who you really are!
8. Be thankful someone sent you a cyber sundae, and you didn't gain a pound!
9. Be thankful your 28 year old cyberfriend really isn't 72!
10. Be thankful for a fast Internet connection!
11. Be thankful no one sent you a cyber voo-doo doll!
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How to Cook a Turkey
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys
of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
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The man who forgot to buy a turkey for ThanksgivingThe man who forgot to buy a turkey for Thanksgiving
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
'Please let me in, 'says the man desperately. 'I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.'
'Okay, 'says the butcher.' Let me see what I have left.' He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's one last scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
'That's one is too skinny. What else you got?' says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
'Oh, no, 'says the man, 'That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!'
HORSE IN THE HOUSE
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horseâs cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joeâs apartment. Joe indicated that the horse was to go through the door. More pushing and shoving.
Once inside, Joe and the passerby managed to work the horse up the steps and into Joeâs apartment on the third floor, then through the living room and into the bathtub.
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the good Samaritan said, âI donât want to be nosy, but this is most unusualâ¦â
Joe said, âWhen my wife comes home, sheâll look in the bathroom and say, âThereâs a horse in there!â â
âHey, how many times in a manâs life will they ever get the chance to tell their wife, âI know! I know!â?â
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A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, âI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
âPop, what are you talking about?â the son screams. We canât stand the sight of each other any longer,â the father says. âWeâre sick of each other, and Iâm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.â
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. âLike heck theyâre getting divorced,â she shouts, âIâll take care of this,â > She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, âYou are NOT getting divorced. Donât do a single thing until I get there. Iâm calling my brother back, and weâll both be there tomorrow. Until then, donât do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?â and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. âOkay,â he says, âtheyâre coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.â
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